(Author's note: I wrote this back on june 7th or so, but I wasn't sure if it was funny enough to put out there. Listening and reading it now, it's kinda funny, so why not?)
Waiting for a fax from my optomitrist today, I saw a funny fax come through, predicting a nuclear attack on the UN on June 9th or 10th.
To me, this is laugh out loud funny, but I imagine that some people must be suckered in by fatalistic handwaving like this. "Ooooh, (read in a spooooooky voice) we cracked the biblical code! It's a message from the future!"
Here's a hint, when you're predicting the future, give yourself more than 8 days to be proven wrong.
Bible Scholars Predict an 86% Probability of a Nuclear Terrorist Attack on the UN
Complex in Manhattan on June 9th or 10th
Before we get into the scriptural reasoning lets look at this physically. Mayor Bloomberg has said that terror schemes have mentioned the UN amongst other targets. NYC has been the main terrorist target in the past in the US. Nuclear terrorism has been debated in the media as a possibility in the longer term future, but next weekend?
Well, that is where the bible research comes in. The date is deduced from the symbolic code of Jesus' parables and Daniel's visions and Joseph's dream interpretations.
Unless my musical theater history is getting fuzzy, Joseph's dreams were about his brothers and ruling Egypt. I'd love to see this "bible research". I imagine it's something like this:
Listen to this conversation (in the tone of "Dib and Zim")
"Researcher" One: J=10 + E=5 + S=19 - U=21 + S=19 = 9! They're going to bomb the UN on the 9th.
Researcher Two:Oh my god! ... Wait, I get how you got to the number 9, but where'd the bombing part come in?
"Researcher" One: It's all right here in the numbers? It's the biblical CODE!
Researcher Two:Wait a second (counts on fingers). That doesn't even add up to 9.
"Researcher" One: This is the God code! It's the code from Jesus!
Researcher Two: Even if you were to add all the letters from the word Jesus, it comes out to 74, which still doesn't tell you...
"Researcher" One: That's not a date! You speak crazyness! Don't infect me with your crazy!
"Researcher" One: They bomb the UN on the 9th!
The rest of the fearmongering BS is beneath the cut, and it's certainly good for a laugh.
A bible research group called the Lords' Witnesses, claim to have found the true symbolic bible code which applies to both the old and new testaments. They have found that all bible accounts obey certain grammatical rules. In particular the number of nouns which act as nouns in every bible account is divisible by the number of meanings that the account has, and the total number of both distinct nouns acting as nouns and distinct possessive noun chains (which contain a noun acting as a noun and other nouns acting as possessive adjectives) in each account is likewise divisible by the number of meanings of that account. They have discovered that every bible account has encoded within it the number of extra symbolic meanings that the account has. Some bible accounts have no extra symbolic meanings, others have as many as 6 extra symbolic meanings.
They have verified the two noun counting rules which they believe every bible account obeys for the first 227 little bible stories in the four gospels of the new testament and found them to be true in each case. They have presented these results in a paper and in the form of two lectures on DVDs to 200 academic statisticians around the world. As yet none of them have been able to disprove their findings. For more on this see www.truebiblecode.con/understanding.himl
This work is not a New York Times best seller like the Hebrew Letter Skip code of Michael Drosnin and it is not a commercially successful fiction like the Da Vinci code of Dan Brown. But it does reveal accurately how the last true Christian church should be run, which is what might one expect from a true bible code. It also reveals that Armageddon begins on March 23rd 2008, and ends on August 20th 2008. It reveals that Jesus comes down to earth to sort out the sheep from the goats on 5th/6th May 2008 during Armageddon, at the end of the 1335 days of Daniel 12:12 and that the faithful sheep are raptured to be angels on 6th/7th June 2008. This is the post tribulation rapture. After that things get really bad, and we succeed in destroying ourselves fully by August 20th 2008see www biblecodeintro.com/intro44.html.
The true bible code reveals the true nature of Hell and the unceasing and everlasting love that God has for every person whom he ever created, the wicked and the good alike. It reveals that there will be 7 terrorist nuclear bombs before Armageddon, which is the final man made nuclear holocaust. The first of these bombs will hit the UN complex in Manhattan between sundown on Friday June 9th and Sundown on June 10th, this year. The Bible Scholars have 2 independent scriptural interpretations which give the same week for this attack. Furthermore the attack must occur on a Sabbath according to both of the interpretations. For a simple explanation starting from the basics and ending with a nuclear bomb in at the UN in Midtown Manhattan during the 2"d weekend in June 2006, see www.truebiblecode.com/rtyc.htmi
The Lords' Witnesses in all seriousness therefore beg everyone in NYC of any religious or anti religious persuasion whatsoever, who has faith that God can predict the future, to leave NYC before the second weekend in June and, if interested, to read all about our great biblical understandings from some other place! And more to the point, at some time after that weekend! The Lords' Witnesses, 93 Shepperton Road, Islington, London N1 3DF, United Kingdom is a non profit company limited by guarantee. http://www.truebiblecode.com . Your biblical early warning system. To be deleted please call 1-800-337-0069.